Tired of seeing your country's economy in the toilet? Sick of corrupt politicians, criminal media barons and tax dodging corporations? Have you had your fill of rising energy bills, reduced public services and prohibitive petrol prices?
Well, friend, today is your lucky day, because you can make it all go away by adding just a sprinkle of the new craze that's sweeping the nation - Royal Baby!
Royal baby will fill up all those news reports, column inches and Facebook timelines in an instant, ensuring you don't have to read about the destruction of the NHS, the seemingly endless war in Afghanistan and the deepening crisis in the Eurozone. No more will you have to suffer the anguish of wondering if your favourite newspaper hacked the phone of your favourite reality star, because Royal Baby will provide a continuous stream of news-deadening fluff that will keep any actual or celebrity news out of the public eye for months to come.
But wait, that's not all, if you buy into Royal Baby now you'll get an additional gift - the gift of instant subservience to an as yet unborn child. The fantastic system of hereditary privilege in the UK means that we can offer you instant inferiority to the Royal Baby at no extra cost, just because his or her distant relations owned a lot of land in Germany.
So why are you waiting? Why even bother to finish reading? Get out there today and cover yourself in Royal Baby. Guaranteed to keep the news at bay for at least 9 months.
